Cupcake Island

Some things in life are certain. Fact: Hawaii is a beautiful place. Fact: One of my favorite vacation spots, it's true. Fact: You would think nothing could taint it. Fact: You were wrong.

Mr. Antonio Sabato Jr., 90s Calvin Klein phenom, washed-up soap hunk and current star of the My Antonio manages to quell all romantic or fantastical nature of this tropical paradise simply with his first staged baywatch mankini jog. (Thank you, Ed.) It doesn't help that his bevy of women who want him are for lack of a better word, broke.

From an impromptu sprint up a sand dune, (really Antonio?) to the return of Mr. CK's ex-wife (as a CONTESTANT) this show ups the reality quotient. Competing for a man who was once your husband- on TELEVISION?!- is honestly beyond comprehension. Yes, yes it is.

But, let's go with it. For fun. Tiki torches are in full effect, leis are used in place of roses and to add a touch of um, 'class,' served room-service style under a 'just dessert' to reveal elimination. Too bad he didn't opt for cupcakes. At least there would have been one redeeming quality to Sabato's island.

But don't worry, I'll keep watching. So you don't have to.